What if our goal, as parents, wasn’t to control our kids, but to set them free? What if an eventual goal for our parenting was to launch our kids into the world, not just let them go? What if we spent less time trying to mold our kids so that they impress our friends, and more time helping them unfold into the godly man or woman that God desires for them to be? Yeah, now that would be something.
Dr. Tim Kimmel has written over 20 books on parenting. I have interviewed him before for this blog. You can read that post here. He has two books that stand out to me. They are: Raising Kids for True Greatness and Grace-Based Parenting. These books are full of great wisdom when it comes to raising your kids in a healthy environment, with healthy goals in mind.
In his weekend seminars based on this material, he outlines 4 freedoms that grace-based parents should give their children. They are simple, yet profound.
Working at a summer camp is a great way to begin understanding a small portion of the intricacies of being a parent. In fact, when it comes to training our summer staff at Pine Cove, we teach a combined seminar on parenting and discipleship. We do this because we recognize one flows out of the other. We adapted Dr. Tim Kimmel’s parenting material to fit in the context of summer camp.
Below is a clip from one of these sessions, where I am teaching on these 4 freedoms. I am speaking to our 1,300 summer staff as they getting ready to be counselors in cabins at our summer camps. Right before this session began, I showed this music video, from the song, Father of Mine by Everclear. In it, the singer repeatedly says, “My father gave me a name, and then he walked away.”
1. Grace-based counselors give their campers the freedom to be different. My kids can be annoying at times. Or worse, they can embarrass me in public, most likely because they aren’t acting like perfect kids. When they act that way, it is easy for me to assume what they are doing is wrong, instead of just simply being different. Grace-based counselors – and parents – set them free to live out the personalities and uniquenesses that God instilled in them.
2. Grace-based counselors give their campers the freedom to be vulnerable. One of the great parts in going to summer camp is to get away from being who your friends want you to be. Campers can take off their “masks,” and be honest about their fears in life. Grace-based counselors – and parents – give children a place to let these fears be known without the fear of being attacked in the process.
3. Grace-based counselors give their campers the freedom to be candid. What troubles a child’s heart? It could be a sin with which they are struggling, or a doubt they are having about their faith. Better yet, it might be a frustration they are having with us. Grace-based counselors – and parents – allow children to voice these doubts, fears or frustrations.
4. Grace-based counselors give their campers the freedom to make mistakes. Let’s be honest; there are times when kids are hard to love. They push our very last button. They try to bend the rules, push their own agendas, or flat out rebel. One of the highest forms of grace is to provide correction, discipline and consequences. Grace-based counselors – and parents – don’t allow the child’s mistakes to break their relationship with them. They recognize that when these kids are the hardest to love, that’s when they need love the most.
When this post was first posted, I gave away a free week of camp at Pine Cove for the summer of 2012. Congratulations to Marty McGinn for winning a free week of camp!
If you’d like to read the other posts I have written about camp, you can click on any of these:
Can Your Child Go To Camp Alone?
Why is summer camp so good for kids?
Is your child safe at camp? Five questions every parent should ask.
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Whoa… I think this one was written for me! There are days that I really struggle with #4…letting the kids make mistakes. There are days when I am so caught up in the day to day busyness, that I get too caught up in getting to check off an item on the to-do list. I am so focused on getting “X” done that I don’t allow the kids time to figure out how to get it (whatever “it” is at that moment) done.
REALLY need to slow down and allow them time to figure things out…even if isn’t the way I would do it!
Thanks for the reality check!
Jesus really didn’t focus too much on efficiency did he? Yeah, that one hit me hard as well. I would imagine they learn more through mistakes at times than when they do it right. If our goal is for our kids to learn, then we need to figure out how to meet them where they are in the midst of their mistakes.
Grace-based counselors give their campers the freedom to be different. At times it is hard to understand why kids do the things they do. As an aunt, I love my nieces and nephews with a selfless love, at least I try. Sometimes I don’t understand when they do the unexpected or out of the ordinary. Sometimes they just do ‘weird’ things. This is when they are expressing who they are and who they are trying to become. It’s weird when kids express this because it means they are becoming ‘real’ people. People who have their own thoughts and opinions and who want to express those. I want to love them in a way that fosters this desire in them to be who they are. That can be hard when I don’t always understand their actions or the things they say. I am learning how to embrace these differences and not to tell them to ‘stop’ or to ‘act normal’ but instead to learn from them. Kids are so inhibited and haven’t learned what is ‘acceptable’ by society yet and something about that is beautiful.
Great last line there, Ashley. Our kids haven’t learned what is ‘acceptable’ yet. Until they do, we get the chance to learn from them what a childlike faith looks like. I agree, there is something about that that is beautiful.
For me, #1 is the hardest because of my pride. Flat out, I fall to thinking I’m the best and to not follow my personality or example is wrong. Thanks for these!
This is excellent! As a former Pine Cove Counselor from 20+ yrs ago and now a parent of an 8th grade boy, 6th grade girl, & 2nd grade boy, I am very thankful for the opportunities God provided way back when to learn about Grace-based parenting in advance…. but I really needed to hear these reminders today, especially about giving them the freedom to make mistakes. Thanks for sharing your heart!
Sure thing. Yes, allow my kids to make mistakes and “bump their knees” in the process is something that take some practice for me. There is something about seeing them err that is difficult to watch.
Allowing kids to make mistakes is by far the toughest. Working with inner city students, I often see them head down the wrong path where their choices will affect the rest of their life. It’s tough to watch them make those mistakes, but also realize that the Lord can use any situation to draw them closer to Himself.
I know a lot of kids who could benefit from a week at Pine Cove!!
It’s toughest for me to allow others to make mistakes… It isn’t hard for me to forgive them afterwards, but it is hard to know what direction they are headed and allow them to make that mistake and suffer the consequences…
Wow! What an amazing opportunity for a child who would otherwise not be able to go to camp! Whoever wins will be very fortunate!
ooo–the freedom to make mistakes is a tough one. AND, I need to be willing to let them see my mistakes…
Good point, Lori. Self-revealing parenting at an appropriate level is such an effective parenting strategy. There is much wisdom that can be passed from already hitting those “road mines” that caught us up in the past.
As always an amazing Blog written at the perfect time for me. My 3 boys have attended and will continue to attend Pine Cove where they always come home with so much love in their hearts and Faith in their Soul. Thank You!!
I think it is hard for me to let my kids be different. Sometimes they don’t meettheexpectations I have for their behavior.
I also have a hard time letting my kids be “different.” I have a hard time determining what’s different and what’s not acceptable because as someone who was a little girl with a sister, I can not relate to a rambunctious little boy.
I’m in no way a parent, but I did have the opportunity to be a counselor at Pine Cove Towers at Winterfest (I was a wrangler during the summer). My hardest was to embrace over that weekend was #4 — freedom to make mistakes. If I were to be picked for the free week of camp, I would give it to one of my Winterfest campers who has never been to summer camp!
What a wonderful thing to read as follow up to my weekend conference on mothering with Sally Clarkston. Her theme in every session was grace based parenting. I struggle the most with allowing my children to be different. My oldest was placed on the autistic spectrum as a pre-schooler. It was so painful to watch her always be the one that struggled to even interact with her peers, yet I have to swallow my pride and realize she will never run to the beat of a “normal” drum. She is fearfully and wonderfully made and God has an amazing plan for her.
I am so thankful for a wonderful place like Pine Cove. She is still painfully shy and struggles with some sensory issues but has functioned very “normally” with a few quirks for many years. Her counselors have been such encouragers and made camp a wonderful experience for her….last year they even went so far as to find some earplugs for her so that she could participate in the singing which was much too loud for her. We will be packing some for her this year LOL!
That is so great, Stephanie. We’ll look forward to having her back out.
Isn’t is so good that God defines “normal” much different than us. After all, if it was left up to us, we would all look the same in an effort to not be abnormal.
I am really struggling with balancing the line between letting my 10 year old be candid and making him understand that he must be candid with his parents respectfully. He is testing his boundaries with this and it is so hard to fight the desire to shut it down completely because of his attitude when he is candid. But I know that I WANT him to be candid with us. We want him to be able to share what is bothering him at all times. This is especially important to us as he moves into the teen years in the near future.
I think for me in some ways the hardest thing is allowing my children to be different. I appreciate their unique qualities, but sometimes I worry that they will be made fun of or be unloved. I think it is important to teach social skills, etc, but when I am just reacting out of fear rather than a desire to teach them appropriate behavior, then it becomes more of a controlling thing than a teaching thing.
Thank you for the post!! as a mother of three ages 6, 8, and 12 I need to stop trying to compare them and just let them be themselves!!! Good stuff!!!thanks again!
#1 is the hardest!!!
Thanks for continuing to encourage parents. It’s our most challenging and most important endeavor to raise Godly children while facing many obstacles! I always appreciate your fresh perspective:)
You are so welcome.
Whether it is with my own children, teaching in the classroom, or working as a camp counselor, for me the toughest freedom to give is the freedom to make mistakes. Especially with my own children, I want to watch them succeed, and therefore it hurts to see them being disobedient and sinful. Discipline & correction are hard (how to do it, when to do it, etc.) and sometime we don’t see the fruit of our actions, which makes it difficult to continue. But our ultimate desire for our children to have a heart that emulates that of Christ should drive our need to extend to them the freedom to make mistakes. It’s defiantly something that I need to work on!
I believe #1 is the hardest for me. Child #2 is so different from our first child, that it’s hard to adjust to his interests since they’re so different from the rest of the family’s interests. We want him to enjoy the same activities the rest of the family likes. We’re still searching for some “outdoor” activities that would interest him. We constantly remind ourselves that God created child #1 with a huge, loving heart and that he’ll be just fine with our unconditional love and support in whatever direction God leads him.
I think you’re right, Kate. Each child is so different. My first and second are the same way. We should meet them in their uniquenesses, and build identity into them there. Good points.
I think the first is the hardest for me – it’s so easy to want kids to fit into nice, neat little boxes – but it’s often the “out of the box” child that changes his world. Thanks for a great post!
Letting them be different in public is the hardest for me! They have lots of freedom at home to be themselves, ask questions, learn and even ‘act up’. In public I really prefer that ‘act right’!
Great blog. I often struggle to give my kids the grace to be candid. I sometimes get too hung up on them being polite or obedient that I do not stop and give them the time to express their feelings. I have to remind myself that what they are feeling and struggling with (even at 7 and 4 years old) is equally important to my struggles.
Allowing a child to make mistakes. He is a very difficult child, who I inherited from my Aunt a year ago, who continues to rebel against everyone. He wants to do only what he wants. When he makes a mistake, he takes it to a whole new level so that the consequences lately have been in school suspension, and he is only just now 10 years old. I try to let the “being a boy” things slide, but it is so difficult lately to remain positive. Thanks for the post.
Thanks for being so candid, Michele. I’ve looked into the eyes of many parents over the years who were dropping their kids off at camp, and who were grasping for any ideas of what to do with their tougher kids. Among many, there are 2 things I’ve seen help out a great deal:
1. Keep the communication lines open. Talk about whatever they want to talk about, but don’t stop talking. Keeping open is of huge value.
2. Invite other “examples” into their life. This might be a camp counselor, youth pastor, young life leader, or friend. There is power in inviting outside the family influence into their lives.
Letting them make mistakes is for sure the hardest thing for me. My mama heart just wants to fix it & prevent hurts!
I think I struggle most with allowing my child to be vulnerable. My father didn’t quite “give me a name and leave”, but did just stick around enough to point out my mistakes and dismiss me/my questions and struggles as worthless. I don’t want to see my children hurt by someone in that way ever. I try to be open and vulnerable with them to model the behavior but sometimes feel myself falling back into the trap of not opening up completely to them.
The freedom to be candid, especially if they are struggling with something they are not proud of. We need to be a place where they are not worried about being judged so they will share these things with us.
The first one hits home the most. I seem to push my kids to “act” right or more accurately perfect. I needed to hear that about allowing them the freedom to become who and how God has created them to be. I need to show them the same grace my heavenly Fathet shows me. Thanks for sharing this.
Yes, we try to force them into a mold of what we think they should be like. Great pitfall to avoid.
#4 staying close to a teenager in spite of a mistake is hard. Punishing with distance from you is not the right response.
#4 foe sure!
I think the most difficult for me at times is allowing them to be candid. That can be a fairly scary conversation!
“Which of these 4 freedoms is the toughest for you to give?”
For me, the toughest is allowing them to be vunerable. I have three boys, and toughness seems to be the society norm. and in the opener, when you mention we need more time helping them unfold into the godly man or woman that God desires for them to be – that really struck me. With teen boys how do you discern that purpose contrasting with the strong will of natures forces guiding teen boys to sit on the couch instead of going to organized bible study or youth groups… a constant challenge to parenting with grace!
Good question. I’d be interested to hear what others might say about this as well. Kids are drawn to the TV because they’re bored, it gives immediate gratification, and it distracts their minds, among many other reasons. I don’t think the answer is organized events like youth group or Bible study, as much as it is people.
In the same way I encouraged Michele below, I’d encourage you to find someone to invite into the lives of your boys. A godly example who they might share common interests.
I hated youth group growing up. It wasn’t until a man named Mike showed interest in my in the hallway of my high school that I changed. We played tennis, golf, talked about life and girls. He was the area director of young life in that city. His life has forever marked me, so much so I named our 3rd child after him.
The toughest one for me is allowing them to make mistakes – especially to feel love when they seem to be purposely pushing every one of my buttons!
These 4 tips are good things to pray for each morning when I wake up – thank you!
#1 set them free to be me. Her older sister is all ways after her about how she dress (don’t match), over weight, the kids at school are mean to her, call her fat, etc. She hates school. She is such a sweet child and has such a kind heart but I see it working on her. It as started to make her lash out at the kids and the sister that is being mean to her. I just want her to be health and happy. (she is glued to my side because I don’t judge and I know she needs to get out of the box, find her self)
Man, I wish we would have known this stuff 13 years ago when I was at PC! For me, of the four that you mention, the freedom to be different is one of the hardest, at least as a parent of a 1, 3, and 5 year old. I’m fine with them doubting things and needing to see for themselves. I’m fine with them being vulnerable and honest about how they really feel, and I’m fine with them making mistakes, though this one is #2 for me. But, being different is hard because, like you and Dr. Kimmel say, it isnt’ about being wrong. It is just different.
My three year old pushes this each and every day. She is the girl who takes her shoes off no matter where she is, wants to sit in an awkward position at the kitchen table, and can ask the strangest questions at the most inopportune time. She doesn’t fit my mold of how I think a child should act and be (perfect, like me), so it is hard to let her be her and who God created her to be, while also learning how to mold her into a lady who loves Jesus with passion no matter who she is.
Christi “Snapper”
oh man, Kevin, thanks for this! Loved reading this blog post and can’t wait to dive into those books you referenced! Thank you thank you!
The hardest one for me would definitely be with #4. My oldest is an amazing ALL BOY little guy. I love him to death, but MAN some days he just knows those buttons to push. I loved what you said about, “One of the highest forms of grace is to provide correction, discipline and consequences.” Such an awesome responsiblity God gives us-to discipline and correct our kids, because we love them and want the best for them. Just as God disciplines us. love it.
By doing this we definitely don’t break the relationship but INCREASE and enrich the relationship-they feel the love.
Thanks for sharing this! Hope to win the week of camp and get to give it to one of my sweet nieces and nephews!!
Boundaries are good for a child’s soul. As you said, we know that God disciplines those He loves. We should do the same. As I tell my kids, my discipline of them is one of the ways I show I love them.
With 4 small children (6, 4, 1 and 13 weeks), I think I struggle with #1 the most. I always want them to act perfect (what I view as perfect) in public places, but I have to remind myself that they ARE children! Daily reminders help a lot. Thanks for the article!
#1 is always difficult for me, I need to remeber to just let them be sometimes.
My wife and I probably have the hardest time with #1…allowing our children the freedom to be different. We were greatly challenged and inspired by Kimmel’s teaching on this subject at Pine Cove Family Camp last summer. Thanks Kevin.
Will Davis, Grand Prairie Bible Church
Number four stretches me. It requires time to learn through consequences. I am often rushed and over scheduled.
Good word below for L3W, Kevin. “I don’t think the answer is organized events like youth group or Bible study, as much as it is people.”
Just wanted to emphasize that as I am currently working as a youth pastor. We are getting big on “partnering with parents” around here. If we can help a parent build a relationship with their teen, I’ll take that any day over that teen being active in our youth group. Both are important…God-centered parental influence is crucial.
It is based on the Orange philosophy from Reggie Joiner at North Point. It is more about consistent God-centered adult influences (primarily parents) than programmatic success. Get them to church, by all means. But, I’d say look for a church where the family ministry is relationship based and not event-driven. Events are not bad, but are they used strategically to build community and provide God-centered adult influence?
Well said. Totally agree.
I find that letting my child be different is difficult for me. I tend to be compliant. My child not so much. I must remember that God made him exactly like he is and accepts him , as should I.
The first one is definitely the hardest for me. My oldest daughter and I have very different personalities and characteristics. I often catch myself trying to force her into *my* mold when really, she’s always (or very often!) like me. I am thankful for her wonderful uniqueness, but it challenges me on a daily basis!
I have the hardest time with #4 – not so much with my own children but with those I teach. When they start pushing my buttons, I have to remember that they need love and grace the most at those moments.
#1 is often hard for me, I have remember that they are who they are meant to be and my job is to help them reach their maximum potential not try to change who they are.
#1 is hardest for me. I don’t want my son to be “that kid” that people don’t want to be around or think is an odd duck, so I am always on him to be as close to perfect as possible.
My biggest struggle would have to be #4. I know we all make mistakes, but my default response is usually highlighting their mistakes and stressing why that was the worst thing they could have done. I tend to turn everything into a “learning opportunity” instead of sometimes just taking the time to listen. Listen to why they made the choice they did, or how they would do it differently. It’s something I am aware of, and I aim to do better, but it remains a struggle for me.