“How did you make the decision to do this?”
This is the question I hear the most from people when they find out we foster kids. Most of the time, it is well-meaning people who are agonizing whether or not fostering/adoption is for them.
Let’s be honest; 99.7% of the time, the wife is for it, and the husband “still needs to pray about it.” Recently, I saw an exception to this when I was reading a Shaun Groves blog post.
Months ago, I wrote about all the freedoms we gave up as a family once we began fostering. But just as I said then, I’ll say again now; I’m so glad we are doing it. God is teaching us all what it means to be the body of Christ.
I’ve heard of many types of people hoping to foster or adopt. Just the other day a retired couple asked if they were too old. They wanted “in”. They’re going for it, fostering some little children who are all too eager to know what a safe family feels like.
I know 2 or 3 single girls who are going through the process of getting licensed right now as well. For them, they weren’t content waiting on the sidelines as life passed them by. Sure, there are some nuances they will need to figure out, but I love them stepping into the fray.
So if you are old (85 or older) or single, I can’t relate. But for all of you who are married, and maybe have a child or two, I’m speaking directly to you. I don’t know how you will make the decision, but here’s how we made ours:
1. We determined if there was a need. When we were dating, my wife told me she wanted to adopt someday. Honestly, I replied, “why?” I had only heard how people waited for years to adopt. I didn’t understand why we would stand in their way. After looking into the facts, we were amazed at how many kids are in need of adoptive homes.
Keep in mind, the kids who are old enough to understand the Hell they live in would love anything better. What I thought about, though, was how many of these homes would also model the love of Jesus and tell these kids about a Father who doesn’t abandon.
2. We considered if we were suitable. We had already had kids. Was our quiver full? I fully believe that God calls me to lead and shepherd my family first. If something was to hinder me in doing that, then it wasn’t good for us. After much discussion, we realized it wasn’t hindering our family, but helping it.
Race was also an issue for us. In talking to a Child Protective Services (CPS) employee, I asked her – a dark skinned African-American lady – if a white family fostering or adopting a child of another race was bad for the child. She thought about it and then responded, “it’s better than the alternative.” She explained the alternative was that the children wouldn’t be cared for, and would “bounce” through the system, eventually ending up in jail.
3. I considered if my wife could handle it. My wife is a “Jedi mom,” as some call her. In our family, we have chosen for Steph to stay home with the kids and for me to work outside the home. I knew if we took on another child, this would be a big strain on her. It was important to me to make sure we were considering how this addition would impact our ability to raise our other kids.
4. We analyzed our finances to determine if we could afford it. Adoption is expensive. International adoption is even more. We knew if we were going to do this, God would have to provide. I have watched countless videos about how God did just that with so many people. If you didn’t see my post last week, then I would encourage you to watch this video of a friend of mine sharing his adoption story.
Sure, adoption is expensive, but fostering isn’t. In fact, the state pays you a small stipend each month for being foster parents. Believe me, wives, this might be the “hook” you need to share with your husband. I don’t care how they get there, and if them knowing that about the stipend helps, so be it.
5. We prayed about it, as a family. Our oldest was 4 at the time, so we didn’t expect a big debate about it with our kids. However, including them in the process has been so rich to see. They are learning what it looks like to seek God in decisions like this one.
No, we didn’t hear an audible “yes” from God, but we didn’t sense any reason not to as well.
Adoptive kids have killed their parents in the past. I know. Plenty of people told me that as we began to walk down this road. But you know, many people have died in car accidents, yet I continue to drive.
Adding children to your family is a big decision, and shouldn’t be taken lightly. However, don’t be that person or family who endlessly needs to “pray about it.” Such an excuse – although sounding good and holy – is merely a diversion tactic.
What questions do you have? Or what questions did you have answered before you went down this road?
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thanks so much for sharing. My husband and I have been fostering for 7 years now. It’s hard, yet such a blessing. We have not and do not plan on any adoptions, but God could easily change that. So far God has us ministering to children who either go home or go to a new home through adoption. Our biggest question is… “How do you not get attached?”
ARE YOU KIDDING?! We DO get attached to every one of these precious children. Anyhow, I just wanted to say thanks. There is such a huge need for Christian foster parents!
Blessings to you and your family,
Carmen
Yes, people ask about not getting attached quite a bit as well. We are losing our first foster daughter in the next couple of weeks, per the courts. We have had her since last July. It won’t be easy, but I believe God’s grace is bigger than that.
God calls us to “guard” our hearts, not “insulate” them.
Thank you for a great article. There is such a need! We have had the blessing of both fostering and adopting.
Agreed; such a need….
Thanks for sharing, Kevin! I am a foster care social worker for a private Christian foster care agency in California. I worked for the county in Oklahoma with children in the system, and I continue to process adoption paperwork for the State of Oklahoma. It’s great to hear from a foster dad’s perspective. I can’t tell you how great of a need there is for foster families who will show children the Hope of Jesus. Part of my job here in California is working with adults who aged out of the foster care system but have no support system. It has been the saddest, most eye opening experience of my almost 17 year career. Kids need permanent connections, families who love them. Something to consider if you talk to people who do not feel fostering is right for them is that there are mentoring programs out there (i.e. Big Brothers and Big Sisters) that will pair you up with a child so you can still share that Hope, even if you don’t feel that you’re in a place to provide a home to a child right now. I believe one day Brent and I will be fostering, and I am excited for that day!
Becky, hat’s off for what you do out there in California. Good point about the Big Bros & Big Sis programs. I just told someone yesterday I think that would be harder to do because I have my family, but other people might see it differently.
This was something I wrote back in September in my blog that shares some of our journey and thoughts. There are 2 partial posts and due to them being rather long even though it is only part of them…you might want to cut them or not post them. I just thought I would share. Your post is great! What a ministry you have!
Kara, thanks for the note.
For the sake of space, I went ahead and cut the posts. However, if anyone is interested in reading them, I’d recommend checking out Kara’s website.
Kevin – Thank you!
Though I’m confident ya’ll need and expect no recognition, thanks for your obedience the same. How incredible to think of the REAL LIVES that will be changed for eternity because you followed Jesus in this.
Kevin, you needed at least one male commenter here to say he is impacted by your writing and has a wife who is passionate about adoption and a husband who is “still praying about it.” :-)
Thanks for the encouragement, I’ll pray some more!
Bryan
Thanks Bryan. You keep praying, but give yourself a time frame. If not, you’ll keep “praying” about this until your wife quits talking about it.
It’s ok if the answer is no. But if you get to that point where praying is really delaying, that is not a good place to be.
Great post, thanks for this. I guess I found you via Robbie Seay but it’s cool you work at Pine Cove, I’m hoping to send my kids there some day. My husband and I are members of a life group…more like a movement at our church in Katy focused on adoption, fostering and orphan care. I’m very much in favor of either adopting or fostering but so far my husband is not. The whole idea is pretty new to him so he is at the moment content to play a support role to our many friends going through the process of adopting and fostering. But I can see the Lord softening his heart. His reasons for not doing it are all purely selfish and he knows it.
Yeah, my wife was up for fostering long before I was. We had been married for years before I saw how we could fill a need. In my mind, why would we fight off people who were trying to adopt the kids? Little did I know how big the need really is.
Hope to see you at camp sometime…
I’m so thankful to have wandered onto your article on crosswalk.com this morning! My husband and I are in the final steps of certification to become foster parents. It has been a long road for us with my first conversation about the idea back 10 years ago when I had a student who was going through a really rough time and it was looking like she might be removed from the home. I was shocked when my husband said he wished we could take her in! The idea continued to go away and resurface several times after that. We finally took the classes our county offers this past fall.
We also have children, however, our daughters are older, 11 and 15. The scariest part of this idea of fostering other children is how it will impact our family as we know it. Even though we are steps away from realizing this plan, we are still wondering if we are doing the right thing. However, God keeps encouraging us through various people, like yourself and I’m thankful!